28 May

i said to myself one day that i was making a goal
and i said to myself that day every day was going to be this way
and this was going to be how i felt and how i lived
and then several days went by
i thought of my saying to myself
and how it never became anything more

self-contained motivation that never escapes
(i was hoping for an explosion)
i knew, of course, that they cared
but it was the kind of caring where they didn't have to wonder
and they never had to ask
it was abstract
it seemed one thing that i did do or didn't do
in the end didn't matter
after all, no one really noticed anyway

it was like the fire that didn't warm
it was like the electricity that was real but wasn't used--
the light that wasn't turned on

my hero because her self is enough
believing without questioning
without hesitation, finding the switch that turns on the light
switching it on
experiencing the light

all I do is sit here, looking at that switch
looking without really seeing
sitting without really knowing or caring
that i am in the dark
and there is a possibility of light

i didn't turn it on
and it wasn't because i wasn't strong enough