I can't complain

I
the worst part of this funk
is being my own worst enemy
actively garnering the dislike of everyone I love
expressing only resentment, criticism, disappointment
I try in small ways but it's all I feel
toward myself also
the only solution I know is
withdrawal and isolation

II
There are mothers around with young babies
I know, I know, they say don't compare
Don't judge because the snippet is not
the much bigger, mundane reality
But I get a sense of
normal, calm, happy, relatively independent infants
My memory may be false
I remember an endless litany of nursing
bouncing, rocking, shushing, holding and never not holding
Distraction and detachment from the world
and a complete inability to engage with anything
with anyone save my restless creature who demands all

III
I look forward and do not anticipate with pleasure
I look back and I'm constantly fighting with myself
I say I should do and I should and I should and I should but I don't want
there is no answer; what do I want
Nothing but less than nothing because I hate nothing too
I do and I do and I do
it is never enough
never is anything finished,
accomplished, nor resolved
I am alone
Demands in a vacuum
a mental silo
No requests, no accountability
But why, if no one benefits?
No recognition, no acknowledgement
and so it goes